Thursday, November 8, 2007

Hotpants are thicker than water

The day has finally come. I have finally begun the healing process of getting over the pair of designer fuchsia hotpants that were lost in the cabinet tragedy and have begun looking into a new pair. I knew exactly where to look for a pair to borrow (it's always better to borrow hotpants rather than buy them brand new because they fit better when someone else's buttocks have broken them in a bit). Fake SA was sure to have some-he is Italian afterall.

I trotted over to Fake SA's desk. As I passed by I saw Fake JS looking towards me longingly, so I blew him a smooch and mouthed the words, "I get you". He melted.

Damn myself! Damn my tall, hairy, tick infested, witty, irresistable, God's gift to Asian cars self!!! Why do I always have to melt Fake JS! The custodians always yell at me because the wax is so hard get out of the carpet (we borrowed Fake JS from Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in New Mecca City. Then we just added a little fairy dust to liven him up and it's almost like he's a real boy George) I'll have to call Renaldo to re-create Fake JS from the wax again...somehow, Renaldo is just so talented with the male form.

Anyway, when I got to his desk, I saw that Fake SA was busy reading an article on the latest Platypus sighting. I try to tell him those things are not real. They're just another myth-there are NO flat billed, ducky-looking mammals living in some obviously made up placed called "Worldownunder". I mean, who would name a country that??? It's absurd! I guess some people will believe EVERYTHING they read in their upper level college biology classes.

I noticed another scientific article from a highly respected and reputable journal sitting on his desk entitled, "Italians and Indians are related by 99% of their genes, so if an Italian dude does the chitty chitty bang bang with an Indian chick, their children may come out with 3 eyes, a tail, webbed feet and fins instead of arms". I love scientific journal articles-they have such succinct titles.

I picked up the article and Fake SA started foaming at the mouth with hostility, so I say to him"Dude, I told you not to feed those squirrels. Those little rascals are rabid!" He replies, "What do you want 3 eyes". Insulted, I reply "Hey man, we're related-what happened to brotherly love?" "Leave me alone before I turn some brotherly love into a brotherly purple nurple!", He shouts back.

I could see that after reading the article he was feeling pretty chitty, and I realized that if I wanted those hotpants I was going to have to kiss a little boo-tay, so I say to him "Hey man, so you're not as pure of an Italian as you thought you were. So what? Having Indian genes is a good thing". Then I proceed to list all of the benefits such as always having people around who's life goal is to "fatten you up", never having to worry about excessive flatulence in public because the ambient curry odor in the air overrides it, and the best part is all the money you save from not tipping well! It really is a fabulous thing.

After explaining this, the foam around his mouth started clearing up and I could see a look of relief come to him-he was testing my curry odor hypothesis. I figured this was now my chance to ask for the hotpants. I ask him if I could borrow them and he proceeds to stand up. It turns out, he was wearing them the entire time...and testing my curry odor hypothesis the entire time too...they would be REALLY well broken in then! I had to have them right then and there while the breaking in process was fresh and pugnant, and it was that day that I found out what kind of friend Fake SA really is-he gave me the hotpants right off of his back-side!

This gesture of friendship was second to none in my book. I mean, yeah, Fake JS is my best bud and we have now reached the highest level of being "in get" with eachother, but Fake JS never let me borrow his hotpants. In fact, I am sure he soiled them just to prevent me from having them. Now that Fake SA has given me his hotpants, it really is a toss up between who gets to be my best bud tomorrow. This will be a tough decision for me and it will take a lot of time and thought to decide...we'll have to rock-paper-scissor it first thing in the morning!

Monday, November 5, 2007

Those three little words

Halloween...there's something about Halloween that really brings the nuts out of their cases...and not just when they are wearing hotpants. Take Fake JS for example. We decided to go out for our cosmos and chocolate mousse luncheon on Halloween and like any date, I let him pick the place. He naturally picks a place in the mall (he has been in the market for a new pair of man-pris). Luckily my girlfriend was with us and she was able to keep him entertained with her ever-so-witty comic relief (hers is not quite as humorous as mine of course-I AM the funniest programmer in the department afterall). Now don't get me wrong, I can shop 'till I drop with the best of them, I was just in a bad mood that day because some tard took my parking spot! I always park in the 3rd row, 5th section in the 13th spot from the left-always have, always will....even after I retire. My car MUST be parked in that spot EVERY SINGLE DAY. Since I moved away to New Mecca City, I have been having nightmares that there is an imposter parking there and posing as my car. I had been hearing news on NPR (Nervous Paranoid Radio) of car imposters trying to take over the SBV-you know Hyundais posing as Hondas and such. It's getting out of hand!!! And with it being Halloween, there were even more of them out there that day!

I could tell which tard it was who took the spot too-yes, it was Fake JS and I think he did it because he has always been jealous that I have a rice rocket and he doesn't (remember, I roll in an Acura baby...hey, I can't help it that Asian cars dig me, I am SO irresistable to Asian cars. My mother tells me that I am so attractive that I can get any Asian car that I want). I think he is so jealous that he is trying to sabotage my relationship with my car too-he knows I love my car more than life itself and he can't stand it. One day I even saw him trying to pop my trunk, but I forgot my protection that day so I wouldn't allow it-The Club is an ingenious anti-theft device. The guy SO wants to be me...and he SO wants to be with me...wait, if he was me AND he was with me, would that mean that I am cheating on myself? My brain hurts now.

Anyway, I let it slide though and didn't mention anything about it since it was Fake JS's favorite holiday and all...he LOVES it when ugly people have to wear masks because it makes his hotness stand out even more and often they wear something highly reflective that he can look at himelf in. I couldn't shake the nagging question out of my mind if he parked there properly or not though...you know....the ritual. After I park, I blink my eyes four times, do the jig, and spin around counter clockwise on one foot with my shoelace untied. I end it with my best Xena Warrior Princess howl and then my ch'i is again brought into balance. Because of this worry, I had been avoiding stepping on cracks, walking under ladders and crossing black cats' paths all day, but this was starting to really make me seem crazy after a while! As they say in New Mecca City "It was driving me Yonkers!"

Well, somehow I made it through the luncheon. The double shot cosmos did wonders for my nerves and the mousse aphrodisi-ized me. Still, I had to work hard to keep the invasive, negative thoughts out of my mind, but they kept flashing back. I think Fake JS could tell that although the chocolate was making me give into his manly handsome hotness, there was something very wrong. He took me aside for a heart to heart.

We got into a discussion about our relationships-our cars are very precious to us, but we are afraid that others do not appreciate the beauty that is within them-we both shampoo the upholstery, condition the leather seats and Armor All the dashboards every Sunday to make their inner beauty shine through as much as their outer beauty does, but unfortunately we are the only ones who get to see it in all of it's glory. After our heart to heart-I started to feel so connected to Fake JS. and a warmth started bubbling up in my stomache (I think I forgot to take my Beano that morning)..and then he said it. He said those three little words that I never realized I had been anxiously waiting to hear from him. He said "I get you". Oh my gosh, it finally happened! Fake JS and I were "in get" with eachother...this is a memory I will cherish for an eternity...or at least until the next sprint.

We decided from that day forward we would defend eachother's cars and never allow any harm to come their way. He promised to protect my car's parking spot from imposters trying to take it away from me. He swore that after parking in my car's spot, he will always blink four times, do the jig. spin around counter clockwise on one foot with the shoelace untied and do a Xena Warrior Princess howl. He also said that he will always use protection when parking in my car's spot-he owns The Club too. All of this for me and my car. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why Fake JS is my best bud-he gets me.