Private Beautiful

Fake JS has now really gone too far. He called an all hands meeting today and I think it was so that he could keep me occupied while he sneaks into my cube and steals my nose hair clippers. I confided in him about my "condition" and he stabs me in the back like this??? I thought we were best buds? You know, I think he might be jealous of my beauty. He was acting oddly as we walked through the halls together this morning. You would think he would be proud to be seen next to someone who is idolized like a rock star. I mean, it's like I'm Yanni himself whenever I come back to the SBV!!! Ahhh, it's so good to be me-tall, dark, handsome...and did I mention my size 13 shoes?

During the meeting Fake JS pulls a punk move and fakes a withdrawal seizure just to steal some of my rock star attention away. All the ladies ran to his aid, but none of them were trained in CPR like I am so I stepped in of course. I began to perform mouth to mouth-for an Asian dude, his lips were actually quite supple. He didn't perk up right away, so I decided to put out a few of my 70% cacao flavored chocolate love machine moves (my girlfriend won't let me use them on her, so I figured this was a good chance to practice)...after several seconds of this and some chest compressions (I am positive my moves stopped his heart) he slowly became arousable. I could've done without his tongue action though so Fake JZ felt compelled to slap him. When he fully came to, I quickly let him see himself in my compact because I am his best bud and I knew over the course of those 45 seconds he would miss himself to the point of shedding tears. It makes me cry when Fake JS cries.

When fully alert, Fake JS gazed into my eyes again in that "Debeers, show her you love her all over again" kind of way..man, to this day it still wierds me out. You'd think I would be used to it by now. He SO wants me, but he knows I have rules against dating within the company so it could never be.

By this point I am expecting some small gesture of appreciation for saving his life, nothing big, well at least nothing bigger than 2 carats and the guy gives me a dirty look like I stole his mojo or something! I decided Fake JS and I are just going to have to hash this out man to man over cosmos and a chocolate mousse this weekend...well maybe a splenda-fied chocolate mousse-I've been feeling fat ever since I came back to the SBV.

Fake JS accepted my invitation for cosmos and splenda-fied chocolate mousse and the rest of the morning went swimmingly. We shared stories of our first times...ahh yes, seeing our reflections for the first time was truly magical. We also finally came to an agreement on the best anti wrinkle cream-by far Oil of Olay Regenerist is the best bang for your buck and paired with the night cream it just does wonders for those stubborn patchy dry areas. I know this because there was a special on it by the ladies from The View. I told him more about my "condition" and he reassured me that I was not going to die-I needed a second opinion though as Renaldo cancelled on me short notice-those Brazilian cosmetologists, they're really only good for one thing-gluteal bikini waxes. So I am feeling quite anxious by this point, my spiderman briefs are all in a bunch and the Xanax prescription my girlfriend gave me had no refills!!! My only solace was that lunchtime was coming soon-lunch always solves all of my problems.

Lunch-oh boy, today we had THE lunch. This was not just any lunch but this time our boss, Hugo, was going to be there. "Dude, who invited him" I asked Fake JS. "Brrro, I don't know, but I think it was Fake JZ". "Dammit Fake JZ, I thought you were the brains in this outfit! You know Fake JS and I are just here to beautify the company. We can't do all the thinking!!!' "Yeah, whatever" Fake JZ replies, "Here, take this chocolate and choke on it". I was aghast-Fake JZ NEVER offers me her chocolate.

Nobody knew what to expect during this lunch. Was this a social event or was this a meeting? Fake JS and I started pondering this question, but he became distracted by a highly reflective surface and I saw sandwiches. No matter what the purpose was, we expected it to be bad. However, thanks to my ever so witty comic relief, the first hour went well until Hugo mentioned that the purpose of the meeting was to announce a demotion. He turned to Fake JS and tells him that he does not qualify to be Captain Beautiful and he demoted him to the rank of Private. I could see Fake JS's face getting flushed and turning red. He started to sweat and appeared nauseated. Was he having another seizure? I leaned forward and pursed my lips to start CPR again when the waitress stopped by and asked Fake JS if he would like another Mojito.....Oh....Definitely not a seizure. I pulled away and sat back in my chair relieved. Fake JS looked so dejected.