Hotpants are thicker than water

The day has finally come. I have finally begun the healing process of getting over the pair of designer fuchsia hotpants that were lost in the cabinet tragedy and have begun looking into a new pair. I knew exactly where to look for a pair to borrow (it's always better to borrow hotpants rather than buy them brand new because they fit better when someone else's buttocks have broken them in a bit). Fake SA was sure to have some-he is Italian afterall.

I trotted over to Fake SA's desk. As I passed by I saw Fake JS looking towards me longingly, so I blew him a smooch and mouthed the words, "I get you". He melted.

Damn myself! Damn my tall, hairy, tick infested, witty, irresistable, God's gift to Asian cars self!!! Why do I always have to melt Fake JS! The custodians always yell at me because the wax is so hard get out of the carpet (we borrowed Fake JS from Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in New Mecca City. Then we just added a little fairy dust to liven him up and it's almost like he's a real boy George) I'll have to call Renaldo to re-create Fake JS from the wax again...somehow, Renaldo is just so talented with the male form.

Anyway, when I got to his desk, I saw that Fake SA was busy reading an article on the latest Platypus sighting. I try to tell him those things are not real. They're just another myth-there are NO flat billed, ducky-looking mammals living in some obviously made up placed called "Worldownunder". I mean, who would name a country that??? It's absurd! I guess some people will believe EVERYTHING they read in their upper level college biology classes.

I noticed another scientific article from a highly respected and reputable journal sitting on his desk entitled, "Italians and Indians are related by 99% of their genes, so if an Italian dude does the chitty chitty bang bang with an Indian chick, their children may come out with 3 eyes, a tail, webbed feet and fins instead of arms". I love scientific journal articles-they have such succinct titles.

I picked up the article and Fake SA started foaming at the mouth with hostility, so I say to him"Dude, I told you not to feed those squirrels. Those little rascals are rabid!" He replies, "What do you want 3 eyes". Insulted, I reply "Hey man, we're related-what happened to brotherly love?" "Leave me alone before I turn some brotherly love into a brotherly purple nurple!", He shouts back.

I could see that after reading the article he was feeling pretty chitty, and I realized that if I wanted those hotpants I was going to have to kiss a little boo-tay, so I say to him "Hey man, so you're not as pure of an Italian as you thought you were. So what? Having Indian genes is a good thing". Then I proceed to list all of the benefits such as always having people around who's life goal is to "fatten you up", never having to worry about excessive flatulence in public because the ambient curry odor in the air overrides it, and the best part is all the money you save from not tipping well! It really is a fabulous thing.

After explaining this, the foam around his mouth started clearing up and I could see a look of relief come to him-he was testing my curry odor hypothesis. I figured this was now my chance to ask for the hotpants. I ask him if I could borrow them and he proceeds to stand up. It turns out, he was wearing them the entire time...and testing my curry odor hypothesis the entire time too...they would be REALLY well broken in then! I had to have them right then and there while the breaking in process was fresh and pugnant, and it was that day that I found out what kind of friend Fake SA really is-he gave me the hotpants right off of his back-side!

This gesture of friendship was second to none in my book. I mean, yeah, Fake JS is my best bud and we have now reached the highest level of being "in get" with eachother, but Fake JS never let me borrow his hotpants. In fact, I am sure he soiled them just to prevent me from having them. Now that Fake SA has given me his hotpants, it really is a toss up between who gets to be my best bud tomorrow. This will be a tough decision for me and it will take a lot of time and thought to decide...we'll have to rock-paper-scissor it first thing in the morning!