Monday, November 5, 2007

Those three little words

Halloween...there's something about Halloween that really brings the nuts out of their cases...and not just when they are wearing hotpants. Take Fake JS for example. We decided to go out for our cosmos and chocolate mousse luncheon on Halloween and like any date, I let him pick the place. He naturally picks a place in the mall (he has been in the market for a new pair of man-pris). Luckily my girlfriend was with us and she was able to keep him entertained with her ever-so-witty comic relief (hers is not quite as humorous as mine of course-I AM the funniest programmer in the department afterall). Now don't get me wrong, I can shop 'till I drop with the best of them, I was just in a bad mood that day because some tard took my parking spot! I always park in the 3rd row, 5th section in the 13th spot from the left-always have, always will....even after I retire. My car MUST be parked in that spot EVERY SINGLE DAY. Since I moved away to New Mecca City, I have been having nightmares that there is an imposter parking there and posing as my car. I had been hearing news on NPR (Nervous Paranoid Radio) of car imposters trying to take over the SBV-you know Hyundais posing as Hondas and such. It's getting out of hand!!! And with it being Halloween, there were even more of them out there that day!

I could tell which tard it was who took the spot too-yes, it was Fake JS and I think he did it because he has always been jealous that I have a rice rocket and he doesn't (remember, I roll in an Acura baby...hey, I can't help it that Asian cars dig me, I am SO irresistable to Asian cars. My mother tells me that I am so attractive that I can get any Asian car that I want). I think he is so jealous that he is trying to sabotage my relationship with my car too-he knows I love my car more than life itself and he can't stand it. One day I even saw him trying to pop my trunk, but I forgot my protection that day so I wouldn't allow it-The Club is an ingenious anti-theft device. The guy SO wants to be me...and he SO wants to be with me...wait, if he was me AND he was with me, would that mean that I am cheating on myself? My brain hurts now.

Anyway, I let it slide though and didn't mention anything about it since it was Fake JS's favorite holiday and all...he LOVES it when ugly people have to wear masks because it makes his hotness stand out even more and often they wear something highly reflective that he can look at himelf in. I couldn't shake the nagging question out of my mind if he parked there properly or not though...you know....the ritual. After I park, I blink my eyes four times, do the jig, and spin around counter clockwise on one foot with my shoelace untied. I end it with my best Xena Warrior Princess howl and then my ch'i is again brought into balance. Because of this worry, I had been avoiding stepping on cracks, walking under ladders and crossing black cats' paths all day, but this was starting to really make me seem crazy after a while! As they say in New Mecca City "It was driving me Yonkers!"

Well, somehow I made it through the luncheon. The double shot cosmos did wonders for my nerves and the mousse aphrodisi-ized me. Still, I had to work hard to keep the invasive, negative thoughts out of my mind, but they kept flashing back. I think Fake JS could tell that although the chocolate was making me give into his manly handsome hotness, there was something very wrong. He took me aside for a heart to heart.

We got into a discussion about our relationships-our cars are very precious to us, but we are afraid that others do not appreciate the beauty that is within them-we both shampoo the upholstery, condition the leather seats and Armor All the dashboards every Sunday to make their inner beauty shine through as much as their outer beauty does, but unfortunately we are the only ones who get to see it in all of it's glory. After our heart to heart-I started to feel so connected to Fake JS. and a warmth started bubbling up in my stomache (I think I forgot to take my Beano that morning)..and then he said it. He said those three little words that I never realized I had been anxiously waiting to hear from him. He said "I get you". Oh my gosh, it finally happened! Fake JS and I were "in get" with eachother...this is a memory I will cherish for an eternity...or at least until the next sprint.

We decided from that day forward we would defend eachother's cars and never allow any harm to come their way. He promised to protect my car's parking spot from imposters trying to take it away from me. He swore that after parking in my car's spot, he will always blink four times, do the jig. spin around counter clockwise on one foot with the shoelace untied and do a Xena Warrior Princess howl. He also said that he will always use protection when parking in my car's spot-he owns The Club too. All of this for me and my car. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why Fake JS is my best bud-he gets me.

No comments: