Thursday, November 8, 2007

Hotpants are thicker than water

The day has finally come. I have finally begun the healing process of getting over the pair of designer fuchsia hotpants that were lost in the cabinet tragedy and have begun looking into a new pair. I knew exactly where to look for a pair to borrow (it's always better to borrow hotpants rather than buy them brand new because they fit better when someone else's buttocks have broken them in a bit). Fake SA was sure to have some-he is Italian afterall.

I trotted over to Fake SA's desk. As I passed by I saw Fake JS looking towards me longingly, so I blew him a smooch and mouthed the words, "I get you". He melted.

Damn myself! Damn my tall, hairy, tick infested, witty, irresistable, God's gift to Asian cars self!!! Why do I always have to melt Fake JS! The custodians always yell at me because the wax is so hard get out of the carpet (we borrowed Fake JS from Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in New Mecca City. Then we just added a little fairy dust to liven him up and it's almost like he's a real boy George) I'll have to call Renaldo to re-create Fake JS from the wax again...somehow, Renaldo is just so talented with the male form.

Anyway, when I got to his desk, I saw that Fake SA was busy reading an article on the latest Platypus sighting. I try to tell him those things are not real. They're just another myth-there are NO flat billed, ducky-looking mammals living in some obviously made up placed called "Worldownunder". I mean, who would name a country that??? It's absurd! I guess some people will believe EVERYTHING they read in their upper level college biology classes.

I noticed another scientific article from a highly respected and reputable journal sitting on his desk entitled, "Italians and Indians are related by 99% of their genes, so if an Italian dude does the chitty chitty bang bang with an Indian chick, their children may come out with 3 eyes, a tail, webbed feet and fins instead of arms". I love scientific journal articles-they have such succinct titles.

I picked up the article and Fake SA started foaming at the mouth with hostility, so I say to him"Dude, I told you not to feed those squirrels. Those little rascals are rabid!" He replies, "What do you want 3 eyes". Insulted, I reply "Hey man, we're related-what happened to brotherly love?" "Leave me alone before I turn some brotherly love into a brotherly purple nurple!", He shouts back.

I could see that after reading the article he was feeling pretty chitty, and I realized that if I wanted those hotpants I was going to have to kiss a little boo-tay, so I say to him "Hey man, so you're not as pure of an Italian as you thought you were. So what? Having Indian genes is a good thing". Then I proceed to list all of the benefits such as always having people around who's life goal is to "fatten you up", never having to worry about excessive flatulence in public because the ambient curry odor in the air overrides it, and the best part is all the money you save from not tipping well! It really is a fabulous thing.

After explaining this, the foam around his mouth started clearing up and I could see a look of relief come to him-he was testing my curry odor hypothesis. I figured this was now my chance to ask for the hotpants. I ask him if I could borrow them and he proceeds to stand up. It turns out, he was wearing them the entire time...and testing my curry odor hypothesis the entire time too...they would be REALLY well broken in then! I had to have them right then and there while the breaking in process was fresh and pugnant, and it was that day that I found out what kind of friend Fake SA really is-he gave me the hotpants right off of his back-side!

This gesture of friendship was second to none in my book. I mean, yeah, Fake JS is my best bud and we have now reached the highest level of being "in get" with eachother, but Fake JS never let me borrow his hotpants. In fact, I am sure he soiled them just to prevent me from having them. Now that Fake SA has given me his hotpants, it really is a toss up between who gets to be my best bud tomorrow. This will be a tough decision for me and it will take a lot of time and thought to decide...we'll have to rock-paper-scissor it first thing in the morning!

Monday, November 5, 2007

Those three little words

Halloween...there's something about Halloween that really brings the nuts out of their cases...and not just when they are wearing hotpants. Take Fake JS for example. We decided to go out for our cosmos and chocolate mousse luncheon on Halloween and like any date, I let him pick the place. He naturally picks a place in the mall (he has been in the market for a new pair of man-pris). Luckily my girlfriend was with us and she was able to keep him entertained with her ever-so-witty comic relief (hers is not quite as humorous as mine of course-I AM the funniest programmer in the department afterall). Now don't get me wrong, I can shop 'till I drop with the best of them, I was just in a bad mood that day because some tard took my parking spot! I always park in the 3rd row, 5th section in the 13th spot from the left-always have, always will....even after I retire. My car MUST be parked in that spot EVERY SINGLE DAY. Since I moved away to New Mecca City, I have been having nightmares that there is an imposter parking there and posing as my car. I had been hearing news on NPR (Nervous Paranoid Radio) of car imposters trying to take over the SBV-you know Hyundais posing as Hondas and such. It's getting out of hand!!! And with it being Halloween, there were even more of them out there that day!

I could tell which tard it was who took the spot too-yes, it was Fake JS and I think he did it because he has always been jealous that I have a rice rocket and he doesn't (remember, I roll in an Acura baby...hey, I can't help it that Asian cars dig me, I am SO irresistable to Asian cars. My mother tells me that I am so attractive that I can get any Asian car that I want). I think he is so jealous that he is trying to sabotage my relationship with my car too-he knows I love my car more than life itself and he can't stand it. One day I even saw him trying to pop my trunk, but I forgot my protection that day so I wouldn't allow it-The Club is an ingenious anti-theft device. The guy SO wants to be me...and he SO wants to be with me...wait, if he was me AND he was with me, would that mean that I am cheating on myself? My brain hurts now.

Anyway, I let it slide though and didn't mention anything about it since it was Fake JS's favorite holiday and all...he LOVES it when ugly people have to wear masks because it makes his hotness stand out even more and often they wear something highly reflective that he can look at himelf in. I couldn't shake the nagging question out of my mind if he parked there properly or not know....the ritual. After I park, I blink my eyes four times, do the jig, and spin around counter clockwise on one foot with my shoelace untied. I end it with my best Xena Warrior Princess howl and then my ch'i is again brought into balance. Because of this worry, I had been avoiding stepping on cracks, walking under ladders and crossing black cats' paths all day, but this was starting to really make me seem crazy after a while! As they say in New Mecca City "It was driving me Yonkers!"

Well, somehow I made it through the luncheon. The double shot cosmos did wonders for my nerves and the mousse aphrodisi-ized me. Still, I had to work hard to keep the invasive, negative thoughts out of my mind, but they kept flashing back. I think Fake JS could tell that although the chocolate was making me give into his manly handsome hotness, there was something very wrong. He took me aside for a heart to heart.

We got into a discussion about our relationships-our cars are very precious to us, but we are afraid that others do not appreciate the beauty that is within them-we both shampoo the upholstery, condition the leather seats and Armor All the dashboards every Sunday to make their inner beauty shine through as much as their outer beauty does, but unfortunately we are the only ones who get to see it in all of it's glory. After our heart to heart-I started to feel so connected to Fake JS. and a warmth started bubbling up in my stomache (I think I forgot to take my Beano that morning)..and then he said it. He said those three little words that I never realized I had been anxiously waiting to hear from him. He said "I get you". Oh my gosh, it finally happened! Fake JS and I were "in get" with eachother...this is a memory I will cherish for an eternity...or at least until the next sprint.

We decided from that day forward we would defend eachother's cars and never allow any harm to come their way. He promised to protect my car's parking spot from imposters trying to take it away from me. He swore that after parking in my car's spot, he will always blink four times, do the jig. spin around counter clockwise on one foot with the shoelace untied and do a Xena Warrior Princess howl. He also said that he will always use protection when parking in my car's spot-he owns The Club too. All of this for me and my car. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why Fake JS is my best bud-he gets me.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Do these hotpants make my buttocks look big?

Oh my goodness, what an emotional day we had yesterday! My head is still spinning-which is likely because it is not screwed on very well, so occasionally my girlfriend will come by, smack the back of my head, and set it a-spinnin'! It can be so dizzying but I really hate having my head screwed on fact, I hate when any part of me is straight...good thing my girlfriend is an internet-tard and will never be able to find this blog online.

One of my ultimate nightmares came true yesterday. You know those pink hotpants of Fake JS's that I have been meaning to borrow and have altered so that my buttocks will fit snugly into them, thereby, enhancing the part of me that Renaldo enjoys waxing the most...well, Fake JS soiled them after he "came out of the cabinet" (is THAT what they're calling it these days?). They were designer hotpants and they stopped making them in that shade of pink (actually it was more of a fuchsia than pink-every man really should be able to discern the difference) It was just so upsetting to see, that I couldn't help but sob every time I thought of him. I tried so hard to save them, but Fake JZ tried to get to them before I could and started a brawl with me. I knew she had her eyes on them-she had been checking out Fake JS's buttocks in them all day. She fights like such a girl though. I mean everyone knows that when you pull hair, you pull from the roots and when you scratch you go for the eyeballs first-duh!

Well, after Fake JZ used Fake Jeff's keyboard to get Fake JS "out of the cabinet", Fake JS fainted...dude, what a girl. Fake JZ hurried to him to break his fall before I could and attempted to undo the button on his hotpants-she was trying to steal them! I tried to roar like a lion to catch her off gaurd and ran to him. Then I tried to pry her hands of off his zipper, but that skinny little Asian chick is freakishly strong!... and I chipped a nail! I did my best to put a stop to this, but before I could, I see Fake JS whisper a sweet nothing in her ear so she slaps him. I think the pants-handling might have gotten Little Fake JS excited, as he is not accustomed to women's hands being in that general area. I have a feeling that Fake JS does not wear size 13 shoes because he told me his wife has been faking chronic nightly headaches ever since their honeymoon, which is strange because I showed him some of my 70% cacao chocolate flavored love machine moves to use on her. Perhaps he did not start off with the mating call I use "CAO-CA-CA CAO-CAO!". I mean, a similar song is used in the training videos I watched during my virgin years...aah, the early thirties-such a pure and innocent age. Anyway, he better not have been whispering the same sweet nothings that he whispered to me last night after dinner-that would be so tacky of him.

Apparently Fake JZ slapped him so silly that it caused him to lose his bladder control and he peed on her, so she dropped him on the floor. When I saw the stain on the back of his hotpants, I could do nothing but start screaming again..I mean, roaring again...roaring deeply like the burly bear of a man that I am. Oh the horror! SAVE THE HOTPANTS, SAVE THE WORLD!!! But I soon realized that not even my Shout can shout that stain out. Just writing about it still makes me quite emotional. Pardon me, I need a moment.............

So the hotpants dreams are over. I had such high hopes for us together. I was planning on taking them to the beach for long walks, sitting on the boardwalk watching the sunset and waiting in club lines in the Fidel district of San Franscisco, bent over, for the shower of compliments I was sure to receive (like any red-blooded male, my self worth is completely derived from other's compliments of my buttocks). I guess I will just have to find another pair of hotpants to tickle my uh, fancy. In fact, I think I will head over to Fake SA's desk-he's Italian so I am sure he has a pair!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Who's Cosmo Kramer???

Poor Fake JZ. She is stuck having to work with characters like Fake JS and myself. She's like the Elaine Benes of our threesome. I am of course Jerry (my buttocks look FABULOUS in tight jeans without having a camel toe, I really am the funniest programmer in the department, and I can get all the ladies, including George's mom-I have had the hots for Estelle for years) and Fake JS is a natural Costanza. We planned on having dinner together last night at Che Coq (I have been wanting to look up the meaning of that name), a quaint French bistro in the SBV's restaurant row-The Spotted Dick district-I feel so at home there-it's just a rainbow of tasty treats. Fake JZ and Fake JS arrived there long before I had. I was busy at the office unbraiding some of my back hairs...those ticks are hard at work!

When I arrived, Fake JZ was on her 7th lemon drop shooter and Fake JS...well, we all know what happens when he has a wee bit too much of the cooking sherry, so he was going to play DD that evening. They seemed rather bored. Fake JZ was putting the shooters away like Fake Beyonce broke her heart or something..oh wait, wrong Fake JZ. And Fake JS was running out of spoons to look at himself in. It seemed that I arrived in the nick of time to provide my ever-so-witty comic relief. Before I arrived, the conversation consisted of Fake JS asking, "So how are the kids?" and Fake JZ replying, "Still more brilliant than you to the nth power" and Fake JS asking, "And how's the hubby" and Fake JZ replying, "Still a wild animal in the sack". We realized that without me, those two are just a pair of lost squirrels in this world trying to get a nut...well, at least Fake JS is. It seems like Fake JZ is gettin' hers.

The remainder of the evening consisted of nothing but laughter...and not the hoho heehee kind that's there just to fill the space, but the wild hyena kind that only I can induce. Yeah, there's never a quiet moment when Fake DM is around! My mother tells me that is part of my charm-she tells me I am like a comedic Superman and cupcakes with little candied swirlies are my Kryptonite. In fact I recently tattooed an S on my chest to signify my super powers and I try very hard to look like Clark Kent when at work-I have an image to uphold there.

All in all, it was a successful evening. I once again held everyone's attention with my ever-so-witty comic relief, Fake JS discovered he could see his reflection on the shiny insignia on my Visa when held up to the light at a 35 degree angle, and Fake JZ drank herself into an oblivion. Don't get the wrong idea about Fake JZ-she is the sweetest, most innocent, female, Asian, programmer in the department, but she has a lot to deal with at work with Fake JS always using her to fix things like the JVM problem and me needing to be held by her when my Xanax starts to wear off. She always pretends to threaten us too-it is the cutest thing to see the little vein pop out on her left nostril when she gets mad. But I know Fake JZ-she's more bark than bite-She only has good intentions and that one time, in Java camp, when she poured honey in my sheets and released poisonous ants on me while I slept-well that was all a mere accident. Fake JZ really would never even hurt a firefly.

She is the perfect third partner in mine and Fake JS's little threesome, but we need a fourth to really make things solid. Fake Jeff is a good candidate-he can be very Krameresque at times, but then Fake Indian Guy might be very, very good as well. Hmm, we'll have to put some serious thought into this one-I think I'll set up some interviews for next week. I detest conducting interviews. I mean, the applicants totally fib on their resumes-one once said that he worked side by side with Fake SJ on the iPhone, when all he actually did was have a picture of Fake SJ on his iPhone while he hacked into gaming sites in his basement! The nerve of some people! Oh well, in the name of saving our threesome, I will make the sacrifice.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Diagnosis: Tuh-ic-kuh Ah-lo-PEE-shuh

So I was able to contact Renaldo on his two way last night, and since he wasn't able to squeeze me in for a private in home evaluation, (which is odd, because he usually can fit me in even if it is through the back door) he had me describe my recent affliction to him over the phone. I told him about the length disparity between the eyelashes on my left compared to my right, along with the disproportionately rapid growth of my nose and ear (and this morning I realized, also my back) hair. He told me that I have a rare form of something it's very difficult to pronounce so I will spell it out phonetically for you "Tuh-ic-kuh Ah-lo-PEE-shuh" or Tick Alopecia. Now you're probably thinking this is something that one gets if they have a pet like a dog or cat who has ticks...well you would be right. Except in my case, I got it without having a pet with ticks...My mother tells me insects were always attracted to me because I have sweet blood, but I am starting to think that is the PC way for her to tell me I have diabetes. I always knew I had diabetes...oh God, I am going to DIE!!! If the tick alopecia doesn't kill me, the cherry Kool-Aid I have running through my veins will!!!

....Ok, calm down...try to remember your breathing techniques from those lamaze classes you took so you could learn how to suck in your gut better....breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out, open the bottle of Xanax, breath in, breath out, take a gulp of water, swallow the pills, breath in, breath out, chase it with a shot of Malibu rum, breath in, breath out...all better now.

Ahem, so where were we, oh yes so I have this rare form of Tick alopecia. Basically what happens is the ticks attach to the eyelashes on one eyelid and start biting off pieces of them; hence, the shorter eyelashes on one side. They then crawl over to their favorite areas-the nose, ears and back, regurgitate the strands of hair and braid them in to the existing nose, ear and back hair like a weave; hence, the disproportionate increase in hair in those areas. Amazing isn't it! Those little buggers really are something! Now the treatment is as simple as bathing in a pool of hoisin sauce, garlic, ginger and chili paste twice a day for 7 days, after which you can use the bathwater for a nice stir fry marinade. Bonus!

The problem is that by doing this, all of the ticks will be killed, and they have just been added to the endangered species list, so I have instead decided to become a safe haven to house my little hair biting ticks. Yes, I have finally found my true calling in life. I will breed them on my body until their numbers have increased and then I will let them flea...or flee. I will just have to cope and learn new hair maintenance techniques. Fake JS will just have to give my nose hair clippers back too. I am not sure exactly how he got his hands on them, but I think he sent Hans into my desk while he was faking his seizure was all a ruse as I suspected! Anyway, he'll have to disinfect the clippers too. I saw him taking them into the bathroom stall and then he came out walking funny. The last person I saw doing that was Renaldo...but I don't want the nightmares to start again, so we'll not discuss that any further.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Private Beautiful

Fake JS has now really gone too far. He called an all hands meeting today and I think it was so that he could keep me occupied while he sneaks into my cube and steals my nose hair clippers. I confided in him about my "condition" and he stabs me in the back like this??? I thought we were best buds? You know, I think he might be jealous of my beauty. He was acting oddly as we walked through the halls together this morning. You would think he would be proud to be seen next to someone who is idolized like a rock star. I mean, it's like I'm Yanni himself whenever I come back to the SBV!!! Ahhh, it's so good to be me-tall, dark, handsome...and did I mention my size 13 shoes?

During the meeting Fake JS pulls a punk move and fakes a withdrawal seizure just to steal some of my rock star attention away. All the ladies ran to his aid, but none of them were trained in CPR like I am so I stepped in of course. I began to perform mouth to mouth-for an Asian dude, his lips were actually quite supple. He didn't perk up right away, so I decided to put out a few of my 70% cacao flavored chocolate love machine moves (my girlfriend won't let me use them on her, so I figured this was a good chance to practice)...after several seconds of this and some chest compressions (I am positive my moves stopped his heart) he slowly became arousable. I could've done without his tongue action though so Fake JZ felt compelled to slap him. When he fully came to, I quickly let him see himself in my compact because I am his best bud and I knew over the course of those 45 seconds he would miss himself to the point of shedding tears. It makes me cry when Fake JS cries.

When fully alert, Fake JS gazed into my eyes again in that "Debeers, show her you love her all over again" kind of, to this day it still wierds me out. You'd think I would be used to it by now. He SO wants me, but he knows I have rules against dating within the company so it could never be.

By this point I am expecting some small gesture of appreciation for saving his life, nothing big, well at least nothing bigger than 2 carats and the guy gives me a dirty look like I stole his mojo or something! I decided Fake JS and I are just going to have to hash this out man to man over cosmos and a chocolate mousse this weekend...well maybe a splenda-fied chocolate mousse-I've been feeling fat ever since I came back to the SBV.

Fake JS accepted my invitation for cosmos and splenda-fied chocolate mousse and the rest of the morning went swimmingly. We shared stories of our first times...ahh yes, seeing our reflections for the first time was truly magical. We also finally came to an agreement on the best anti wrinkle cream-by far Oil of Olay Regenerist is the best bang for your buck and paired with the night cream it just does wonders for those stubborn patchy dry areas. I know this because there was a special on it by the ladies from The View. I told him more about my "condition" and he reassured me that I was not going to die-I needed a second opinion though as Renaldo cancelled on me short notice-those Brazilian cosmetologists, they're really only good for one thing-gluteal bikini waxes. So I am feeling quite anxious by this point, my spiderman briefs are all in a bunch and the Xanax prescription my girlfriend gave me had no refills!!! My only solace was that lunchtime was coming soon-lunch always solves all of my problems.

Lunch-oh boy, today we had THE lunch. This was not just any lunch but this time our boss, Hugo, was going to be there. "Dude, who invited him" I asked Fake JS. "Brrro, I don't know, but I think it was Fake JZ". "Dammit Fake JZ, I thought you were the brains in this outfit! You know Fake JS and I are just here to beautify the company. We can't do all the thinking!!!' "Yeah, whatever" Fake JZ replies, "Here, take this chocolate and choke on it". I was aghast-Fake JZ NEVER offers me her chocolate.

Nobody knew what to expect during this lunch. Was this a social event or was this a meeting? Fake JS and I started pondering this question, but he became distracted by a highly reflective surface and I saw sandwiches. No matter what the purpose was, we expected it to be bad. However, thanks to my ever so witty comic relief, the first hour went well until Hugo mentioned that the purpose of the meeting was to announce a demotion. He turned to Fake JS and tells him that he does not qualify to be Captain Beautiful and he demoted him to the rank of Private. I could see Fake JS's face getting flushed and turning red. He started to sweat and appeared nauseated. Was he having another seizure? I leaned forward and pursed my lips to start CPR again when the waitress stopped by and asked Fake JS if he would like another Mojito.....Oh....Definitely not a seizure. I pulled away and sat back in my chair relieved. Fake JS looked so dejected.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

An encounter of the Fake JS kind

Ahh, it's SO good to be back in the SBV (Silicon Breast Valley). This place is just busting with energy. On my drive into work today I found the views were breathtaking...and then when I peered away from my image on the rear view mirror, I realized how beautiful the sprawling hills of this town are as well.

After my mother called me downstairs for the light breakfast she prepared, I enjoyed a bowl of cereal, two eggs over easy, banana, toast, hamburger, filet mignon, churrascaria style beef skewers, porridge and grits with ketchup-I felt ready for the new big project I was asked to complete this week. Once I arrived in the office however, I saw was fake JS coming my way. I was reminded of the "incident" with my girlfriend ( I actually just learned how to spell her name last week-that whole C sounds like K when preceding an H thing is VERY confusing and a likely ploy by the government to keep us preoccupied while they perform genetic research on sasquatches-at least, that's what Fake SA tells me). Fake JS thinks he is so clever-I'll bet he doesn't know my girlfriend has brown eyes...just found that out last week too...good thing she is an internet-tard and will never be able to find this blog online.

Embarrassed by my faux pas, I attempted to avoid his loving gaze (He has a man crush on me. I think the only reason he invited me to his wedding was that he was hoping I would step in and "speak now or forever hold my peace". I think my girlfriend was invited so he could see what his competition was-he has been acting coy with me since) Strangely, he was covering his face as he hurried past my cube...perhaps he had a pimple? I figured I should be the bigger man and offer him my compact in this crisis situation-I mean, I would not wish a pimple on even my worst enemy and if it was a white head then it would be a true dermatological emergency. The thought of parting with it was painful, but this was for a better cause-the beautification of the department.

I turned around to hand the compact to him when I heard a thud and then a very feminine scream. Fake JS and his man assistant Hans were lying spread eagle on the floor holding their heads. Fake JS had blood dripping from his face!...and then I realized the screaming was coming from me...I can't stand the sight of blood.

At least the color coordinated well with the pink hotpants he was wearing today. I wonder if he would let me borrow them? I would have to have the hem lengthened and taken out heftily in the rear of course.

He gazed into my eyes, apologized for the "incident" with my girlfriend and thanked me for the selfless act I committed. Then an hour long exchange ensued, the result of which was confirmation by Fake JS that I am the most beautiful, 6 foot tall, Fiji-Indian, programmer who drives an Acura (TL mind you) in the department. I could die happy now.

Actually, I think that may come sooner than later as I think I might have a fatal disease. When I went back to my desk to make sure my back up compact was still in the drawer along with my eyelash curler and nose hair trimmer, I noticed that I have fewer long eyelashes on my left eyelid than my right. I was horrified! What could this mean? I decided that I must have a disease that causes progressive shortening of hairs on only one side of the body, while lengthening the hair in my nose and ears....I am going to look like a lopsided Cousin IT!!!! With lightening quick Sudoku speed I called my cosmetologist-good thing Renaldo is #1 on my speed dial. I am scheduled for a private evaluation in his home office tomorrow. I will keep you all posted on the results.