Sunday, October 28, 2007

Do these hotpants make my buttocks look big?

Oh my goodness, what an emotional day we had yesterday! My head is still spinning-which is likely because it is not screwed on very well, so occasionally my girlfriend will come by, smack the back of my head, and set it a-spinnin'! It can be so dizzying but I really hate having my head screwed on fact, I hate when any part of me is straight...good thing my girlfriend is an internet-tard and will never be able to find this blog online.

One of my ultimate nightmares came true yesterday. You know those pink hotpants of Fake JS's that I have been meaning to borrow and have altered so that my buttocks will fit snugly into them, thereby, enhancing the part of me that Renaldo enjoys waxing the most...well, Fake JS soiled them after he "came out of the cabinet" (is THAT what they're calling it these days?). They were designer hotpants and they stopped making them in that shade of pink (actually it was more of a fuchsia than pink-every man really should be able to discern the difference) It was just so upsetting to see, that I couldn't help but sob every time I thought of him. I tried so hard to save them, but Fake JZ tried to get to them before I could and started a brawl with me. I knew she had her eyes on them-she had been checking out Fake JS's buttocks in them all day. She fights like such a girl though. I mean everyone knows that when you pull hair, you pull from the roots and when you scratch you go for the eyeballs first-duh!

Well, after Fake JZ used Fake Jeff's keyboard to get Fake JS "out of the cabinet", Fake JS fainted...dude, what a girl. Fake JZ hurried to him to break his fall before I could and attempted to undo the button on his hotpants-she was trying to steal them! I tried to roar like a lion to catch her off gaurd and ran to him. Then I tried to pry her hands of off his zipper, but that skinny little Asian chick is freakishly strong!... and I chipped a nail! I did my best to put a stop to this, but before I could, I see Fake JS whisper a sweet nothing in her ear so she slaps him. I think the pants-handling might have gotten Little Fake JS excited, as he is not accustomed to women's hands being in that general area. I have a feeling that Fake JS does not wear size 13 shoes because he told me his wife has been faking chronic nightly headaches ever since their honeymoon, which is strange because I showed him some of my 70% cacao chocolate flavored love machine moves to use on her. Perhaps he did not start off with the mating call I use "CAO-CA-CA CAO-CAO!". I mean, a similar song is used in the training videos I watched during my virgin years...aah, the early thirties-such a pure and innocent age. Anyway, he better not have been whispering the same sweet nothings that he whispered to me last night after dinner-that would be so tacky of him.

Apparently Fake JZ slapped him so silly that it caused him to lose his bladder control and he peed on her, so she dropped him on the floor. When I saw the stain on the back of his hotpants, I could do nothing but start screaming again..I mean, roaring again...roaring deeply like the burly bear of a man that I am. Oh the horror! SAVE THE HOTPANTS, SAVE THE WORLD!!! But I soon realized that not even my Shout can shout that stain out. Just writing about it still makes me quite emotional. Pardon me, I need a moment.............

So the hotpants dreams are over. I had such high hopes for us together. I was planning on taking them to the beach for long walks, sitting on the boardwalk watching the sunset and waiting in club lines in the Fidel district of San Franscisco, bent over, for the shower of compliments I was sure to receive (like any red-blooded male, my self worth is completely derived from other's compliments of my buttocks). I guess I will just have to find another pair of hotpants to tickle my uh, fancy. In fact, I think I will head over to Fake SA's desk-he's Italian so I am sure he has a pair!

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