Ahh, it's SO good to be back in the SBV (Silicon Breast Valley). This place is just busting with energy. On my drive into work today I found the views were breathtaking...and then when I peered away from my image on the rear view mirror, I realized how beautiful the sprawling hills of this town are as well.
After my mother called me downstairs for the light breakfast she prepared, I enjoyed a bowl of cereal, two eggs over easy, banana, toast, hamburger, filet mignon, churrascaria style beef skewers, porridge and grits with ketchup-I felt ready for the new big project I was asked to complete this week. Once I arrived in the office however, I saw him....it was fake JS coming my way. I was reminded of the "incident" with my girlfriend ( I actually just learned how to spell her name last week-that whole C sounds like K when preceding an H thing is VERY confusing and a likely ploy by the government to keep us preoccupied while they perform genetic research on sasquatches-at least, that's what Fake SA tells me). Fake JS thinks he is so clever-I'll bet he doesn't know my girlfriend has brown eyes...just found that out last week too...good thing she is an internet-tard and will never be able to find this blog online.
Embarrassed by my faux pas, I attempted to avoid his loving gaze (He has a man crush on me. I think the only reason he invited me to his wedding was that he was hoping I would step in and "speak now or forever hold my peace". I think my girlfriend was invited so he could see what his competition was-he has been acting coy with me since) Strangely, he was covering his face as he hurried past my cube...perhaps he had a pimple? I figured I should be the bigger man and offer him my compact in this crisis situation-I mean, I would not wish a pimple on even my worst enemy and if it was a white head then it would be a true dermatological emergency. The thought of parting with it was painful, but this was for a better cause-the beautification of the department.
I turned around to hand the compact to him when I heard a thud and then a very feminine scream. Fake JS and his man assistant Hans were lying spread eagle on the floor holding their heads. Fake JS had blood dripping from his face!...and then I realized the screaming was coming from me...I can't stand the sight of blood.
At least the color coordinated well with the pink hotpants he was wearing today. I wonder if he would let me borrow them? I would have to have the hem lengthened and taken out heftily in the rear of course.
He gazed into my eyes, apologized for the "incident" with my girlfriend and thanked me for the selfless act I committed. Then an hour long exchange ensued, the result of which was confirmation by Fake JS that I am the most beautiful, 6 foot tall, Fiji-Indian, programmer who drives an Acura (TL mind you) in the department. I could die happy now.
Actually, I think that may come sooner than later as I think I might have a fatal disease. When I went back to my desk to make sure my back up compact was still in the drawer along with my eyelash curler and nose hair trimmer, I noticed that I have fewer long eyelashes on my left eyelid than my right. I was horrified! What could this mean? I decided that I must have a disease that causes progressive shortening of hairs on only one side of the body, while lengthening the hair in my nose and ears....I am going to look like a lopsided Cousin IT!!!! With lightening quick Sudoku speed I called my cosmetologist-good thing Renaldo is #1 on my speed dial. I am scheduled for a private evaluation in his home office tomorrow. I will keep you all posted on the results.
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