Who's Cosmo Kramer???

Poor Fake JZ. She is stuck having to work with characters like Fake JS and myself. She's like the Elaine Benes of our threesome. I am of course Jerry (my buttocks look FABULOUS in tight jeans without having a camel toe, I really am the funniest programmer in the department, and I can get all the ladies, including George's mom-I have had the hots for Estelle for years) and Fake JS is a natural Costanza. We planned on having dinner together last night at Che Coq (I have been wanting to look up the meaning of that name), a quaint French bistro in the SBV's restaurant row-The Spotted Dick district-I feel so at home there-it's just a rainbow of tasty treats. Fake JZ and Fake JS arrived there long before I had. I was busy at the office unbraiding some of my back hairs...those ticks are hard at work!

When I arrived, Fake JZ was on her 7th lemon drop shooter and Fake JS...well, we all know what happens when he has a wee bit too much of the cooking sherry, so he was going to play DD that evening. They seemed rather bored. Fake JZ was putting the shooters away like Fake Beyonce broke her heart or something..oh wait, wrong Fake JZ. And Fake JS was running out of spoons to look at himself in. It seemed that I arrived in the nick of time to provide my ever-so-witty comic relief. Before I arrived, the conversation consisted of Fake JS asking, "So how are the kids?" and Fake JZ replying, "Still more brilliant than you to the nth power" and Fake JS asking, "And how's the hubby" and Fake JZ replying, "Still a wild animal in the sack". We realized that without me, those two are just a pair of lost squirrels in this world trying to get a nut...well, at least Fake JS is. It seems like Fake JZ is gettin' hers.

The remainder of the evening consisted of nothing but laughter...and not the hoho heehee kind that's there just to fill the space, but the wild hyena kind that only I can induce. Yeah, there's never a quiet moment when Fake DM is around! My mother tells me that is part of my charm-she tells me I am like a comedic Superman and cupcakes with little candied swirlies are my Kryptonite. In fact I recently tattooed an S on my chest to signify my super powers and I try very hard to look like Clark Kent when at work-I have an image to uphold there.

All in all, it was a successful evening. I once again held everyone's attention with my ever-so-witty comic relief, Fake JS discovered he could see his reflection on the shiny insignia on my Visa when held up to the light at a 35 degree angle, and Fake JZ drank herself into an oblivion. Don't get the wrong idea about Fake JZ-she is the sweetest, most innocent, female, Asian, programmer in the department, but she has a lot to deal with at work with Fake JS always using her to fix things like the JVM problem and me needing to be held by her when my Xanax starts to wear off. She always pretends to threaten us too-it is the cutest thing to see the little vein pop out on her left nostril when she gets mad. But I know Fake JZ-she's more bark than bite-She only has good intentions and that one time, in Java camp, when she poured honey in my sheets and released poisonous ants on me while I slept-well that was all a mere accident. Fake JZ really would never even hurt a firefly.

She is the perfect third partner in mine and Fake JS's little threesome, but we need a fourth to really make things solid. Fake Jeff is a good candidate-he can be very Krameresque at times, but then Fake Indian Guy might be very, very good as well. Hmm, we'll have to put some serious thought into this one-I think I'll set up some interviews for next week. I detest conducting interviews. I mean, the applicants totally fib on their resumes-one once said that he worked side by side with Fake SJ on the iPhone, when all he actually did was have a picture of Fake SJ on his iPhone while he hacked into gaming sites in his basement! The nerve of some people! Oh well, in the name of saving our threesome, I will make the sacrifice.