So I was able to contact Renaldo on his two way last night, and since he wasn't able to squeeze me in for a private in home evaluation, (which is odd, because he usually can fit me in even if it is through the back door) he had me describe my recent affliction to him over the phone. I told him about the length disparity between the eyelashes on my left compared to my right, along with the disproportionately rapid growth of my nose and ear (and this morning I realized, also my back) hair. He told me that I have a rare form of something called...now it's very difficult to pronounce so I will spell it out phonetically for you "Tuh-ic-kuh Ah-lo-PEE-shuh" or Tick Alopecia. Now you're probably thinking this is something that one gets if they have a pet like a dog or cat who has ticks...well you would be right. Except in my case, I got it without having a pet with ticks...My mother tells me insects were always attracted to me because I have sweet blood, but I am starting to think that is the PC way for her to tell me I have diabetes. I always knew I had diabetes...oh God, I am going to DIE!!! If the tick alopecia doesn't kill me, the cherry Kool-Aid I have running through my veins will!!!
....Ok, calm down...try to remember your breathing techniques from those lamaze classes you took so you could learn how to suck in your gut better....breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out, open the bottle of Xanax, breath in, breath out, take a gulp of water, swallow the pills, breath in, breath out, chase it with a shot of Malibu rum, breath in, breath out...all better now.
Ahem, so where were we, oh yes so I have this rare form of Tick alopecia. Basically what happens is the ticks attach to the eyelashes on one eyelid and start biting off pieces of them; hence, the shorter eyelashes on one side. They then crawl over to their favorite areas-the nose, ears and back, regurgitate the strands of hair and braid them in to the existing nose, ear and back hair like a weave; hence, the disproportionate increase in hair in those areas. Amazing isn't it! Those little buggers really are something! Now the treatment is as simple as bathing in a pool of hoisin sauce, garlic, ginger and chili paste twice a day for 7 days, after which you can use the bathwater for a nice stir fry marinade. Bonus!
The problem is that by doing this, all of the ticks will be killed, and they have just been added to the endangered species list, so I have instead decided to become a safe haven to house my little hair biting ticks. Yes, I have finally found my true calling in life. I will breed them on my body until their numbers have increased and then I will let them flea...or flee. I will just have to cope and learn new hair maintenance techniques. Fake JS will just have to give my nose hair clippers back too. I am not sure exactly how he got his hands on them, but I think he sent Hans into my desk while he was faking his seizure yesterday...it was all a ruse as I suspected! Anyway, he'll have to disinfect the clippers too. I saw him taking them into the bathroom stall and then he came out walking funny. The last person I saw doing that was Renaldo...but I don't want the nightmares to start again, so we'll not discuss that any further.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment